The Boss
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was
the one in charge.



"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
systems, so without me nothing would happen".



"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all
over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give
all of you energy."



"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."



"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see
where it goes."



"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
waste removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a
huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days,

The brain had a terrible headache.
The stomach was bloated.
The legs got wobbly.
The eyes got watery,
and The blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story? The ******** is usually in charge !!

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Anyone who has had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this.

A woman called a local hospital -- "Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if
a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said "What is the patients name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, Room 302."

"I'll connect you to the nursing station".

"Third floor nursing station . How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is very
well. In fact she had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She
is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours, and if she
continues this improvement, Dr Cohen is going to send her home on
Tuesday."

The woman said " What a relief' Oh, that's fantastic. That's
wonderful news".

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it, you are a close
family member, or are you a very close friend?"

"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in Room 302. Nobody tells me ****"............

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A little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels Motorcycle
Gang. One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big,
hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She
boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused and decides to humor her a bit, so he says
she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over
there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

She replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club
under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At
least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of
cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad
Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"


The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but
I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.
Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact
with a
male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says,"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same
question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male
organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I
fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand
in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.
One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she
reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "
they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd
really like to drive
today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?" protests the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for
you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport,
the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's
German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on
the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred
and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get
them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) ...o...O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your ******* before prison, ..."

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed a
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the 1st
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room found his mother
on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: January 31, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here; we are
allowed to send e-mails to loved ones. I've just reached and have
checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to see you TOMORROW!

Your loving Hubby

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Paddy buys a bath,

He takes it back the next day complaining the water keeps running out.

The manager says, "Did you buy a plug?"

Paddy says, "F**k you! You never said it was electric!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A visitor in a mental institution asked the director how he decided

which patients should be kept in.

The Director said, "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, teacup

or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.

The visitor said, "Oh, I see, a normal person would choose the bucket,

because it's biggest and would empty the bath quicker."

The Director said, "No a normal person would pull the f***ing plug out. Would you

like a bed near the window?"

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