Employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
> we
> are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
>
> Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
> thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
>
> Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
> fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
>
> This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
>
> Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
> outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
> employment records before actual retirement takes place.
>
> This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of
> Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
>
> All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
> upper management.
>
> This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
> Termination).
>
> Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
> SCREWED
> twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
>
> If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
> get: HERPES (Half Earnings f or Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
> CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
>
> As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
> received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
> company.
>
> Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
> that
> the company will continue its policy of training employees through our
> Special High Intensity Training (****).
>
> We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given
> our employees more SH IT than any company in this area.
>
> If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see
> your
> immediate supervisor.
>
> Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
> ****
> you can stand.
>
> And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
>
> The Management
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